I have had a hard day, actually I have had a hard month, alright - I have had a hard year! There I admit it, I am not Superwoman. I think I lost my cape somewhere between motherhood and well, life.
I had a realization today, right about the time that I popped the second dose of aspirin for my migraine, which was after returning home from town with the girls and car load of groceries. I walked into the kitchen to survey the disaster that had taken over - it was actually clean a mere 24hrs ago. I think that I am an utter failure at this whole home manager position. I can run a church but I can't seem to run my home. The to-do-list seems to get longer every week, I haven't opened my school work in months (thank goodness it is self-paced), my clothes just move from one laundry basket to the one that is the next size up, I'm scared to look behind the milk in the refrigerator, and I honestly can't remember the original color of my carpet. I don't think they make a brown/blue carpet but that is what I have. I was close to tears and reaching for the bag of Oreos when it dawned on me.
If God can accept me for my shortcomings why can't I accept myself. No, I don't get everything done on my list (who am I kidding, I don't even have a list) but I make an effort to try and keep things cleaned up, I don't read my Bible everyday - but it is sitting there open on the table because at one point before the "Mama's" started that morning, I had intended too. I do have my school work in an organized location so that if the chance to sit down for serious study time permits I won't be searching all over to try and find it. I am desperately trying to raise my children to be conscious of cleaning up after themselves and to take initiative, just ask my neighbors, they hear me loudly explaining these concepts all the time.
I have good intentions but I realize that I make choices. I choose to be outside working in the garden enjoying God's creation vs washing dishes. I choose to play hide-n-seek with my kids outside vs vacuuming or mopping. I know that these tasks are important but I also need to remind myself that they can wait a little bit until a more manageable time. No, my house isn't in tip top shape but then again I live in the country for a reason and with that glorious view and space comes dirt and bugs and weeds and weather. So I have to accept that my house will need to be painted, that there is always weeding to be done and repairs made. And yes, dust in my house and a brown/blue carpet.
I need to work on accepting myself and accepting each day as it happens. I need to decide each day what is important for that day and concentrate on that. I have to learn how to relax instead of always thinking about what needs to be done and getting frustrated. I need to accept that it is ok that the dishes don't get done every night, shoot just throw them in the oven if someone comes by unexpectedly, not that I have done that :) and I need to put the box of new knobs and handles for my newly painted kitchen cabinets in the laundry room instead of leaving them on the counter and beating myself up everyday that they are still not attached to the newly painted kitchen cabinets. I need to let go of the frustrations and grumpiness and accept the choices that I make.
Acceptance, that is what I need to strive for, acceptance of myself. God Bless!